Have you ever talk to yourself negatively or thinking others are possibly judging the way you talk and behave?
I believe showing our vulnerability is a form of strengths instead of weaknesses. In this episode, I will bring you into my past insecure self, and share 3 practical ways I found to be helpful to step away from that self-judgment.
If anyone here ever dealt with the judgmental thoughts from your head saying things like "how can I not knowing such and such"...Trust me when i say, I mastered that internal criticism long ago - in a negative way though. My mom loves to bring out that old story of me over and over as if it is funny. Oh well, maybe…She would show a picture of me hiding behind a door with tears on my face. this was the time when I was still mumbling words as a toddler. She recalls..... "you were so upset not saying Grandma correctly. but instead of trying it one more time, you went hiding and practicing the word secretively over and over until I get it right".
The word for mother’s side grandma is “Wai Po“ in Chinese. But it was even harder when I needed to say it in Shanghainese “U-aa-Bu“ by pressing my tongue against the roof of my mouth.
now if you can imagine how upset I felt when I didn’t say it right at the first time. The fact was NO ONE judged me for anything. It was me feeling the need of doing it perfect and so that i can prove my worthiness.
As I grew up, the scarcity of not knowing something and being laughed at really has done no good. they only caused more embarrassment in my life. I remember during one of those middle school talent show in a nursing home. I have worked on my music for months. but Because of my internal judgement, I was so afraid to ask about the program order whether or not I was even on the program. And the fact is they forgot to put me on that handwritten announcement. That crumbly white piece of paper says all: I am just a big embarrassment and people don't remember me. It was their fault until I hesitated to ask and never got the go on stage and performed that day. I felt invisible while so exposed because I was afraid others would find out that I didn't get to perform. After a long wait with people saying goodbye to each other, I knew that the unworthiness and self-judgment just won another round and established their territory in my still-developing-mind.
It's been almost two decades, I have never told any friends about this story because it left me with an internal scar that never recovered until self-judgment caused real damage and corrupted my state of being. But when things hit rock-bottom, I was finally releasing those voices from my head and choosing self-acceptance. That two decades of repetitive practicing in negative self-talk doesn't just leave because I snap my fingers and decide to let go. it does take practice, awareness, and strategies.
So when we speak about judgment, another word usually come up as well. That is discernment. The difference is that discernment is when you recognize what is happening and knows it to be what it is. But negative judgment has a slight layer of aversion. it wants something to be different. it carries a layer of filter from what it actual is to your perception of the reality. when you attach the thought of "how others would think of me", you are looking at others and situations with a filtered glass called "self-judgment". This is our negative egoistic voice, which reveals in forms of fear, judgment, comparison. If you think it's just our current society constructed us in such way, Buddha has come up the word 'Mana' in the meaning of pride and ego 2500 years ago. And people were judging themselves then as much as we do it now.
Step 1 we have to be aware. Awareness is key in all forms of growth. I don't think the younger me realized what I was concerned at the moment was not the fear of others' judgment but my own. Meditate daily. As we spend time with ourselves and away from all the outside stimulus, we can examine our thoughts a lot easier.
Step 2 is to practice self-acceptance, embrace the imperfection. embrace things we don't know, skills we haven't acquire. Self-acceptance comes before our actions. Forgive that scared and vulnerable self. To do that, hug yourself tightly, and tell yourself that you have permission to let go of any mistakes, any unworthy self-talk, and just unconditionally love yourself even the world is point at your faults, you will still accept the masterpiece universe has created. You deserve your own love.
Step 3 is time to show the courageous and bold side of you, as admitting things we don't know and asking people who knows more than you. Now you have let go of the ego, released your self-judgment, you will realize that it's a lot easier than you thought to just ask for help, speak up your needs, and accelerate your growth.
"Unlearn your self-judgement. Remember the fearless fire burns within you."
- Vironika Tugaleva, author of the Love Mindset
Resources:
https://thereset.com/the-fix/5-ways-to-curb-self-judgment/
https://www.brit.co/how-to-stop-self-judgments/
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if you have any thoughts on today's episode, or topics yo'd like me to further discuss on, email me at thrivexstrive@gmail.com.
For next week, we have my friend Luke Ellard, clarinetist, composer, and educator, coming to the show and talk more about how to be more authentic and align with your work.